Self Esteem Works Best When it Comes From Ourselves Rather than Others

Conductive self-esteem is volatile and unsustainable, but shifting our perspective can change that

Sep 01, 2023

Hiya!

We all want healthy and strong self-esteem, but it can be easier said than done. Our level of self-esteem reflects the value we have for ourselves. It tells the world whether we believe we belong, are likable, worthy, attractive, or intelligent. But the source of our self-esteem, whether implicit or explicit, shapes how it presents within us.

Basing our self-esteem on external factors that can change at any time means our self-worth could plunge at any moment — we could be fired, become injured, go through a breakup — and lose our sense of self in the process. But self-esteem should come from within and be based on what we do, our efforts, and whether we like ourselves.

Conductive Self-Esteem

Often, self-esteem is measured as you either have it or you don’t. Similarly, a person’s confidence level may be either high or low. But these two ends of the spectrum include less favorable outcomes.

For instance, research indicates that having low self-esteem is linked to eating disorders and, unsurprisingly, depression. Meanwhile, high self-esteem is connected with being more defensive, along with higher rates of narcissism and aggression.

Many people not only struggle to maintain one end of the spectrum or the other but will fluctuate between the two. But this is usually because their self-esteem depends on external factors like job status, appearance, or other people’s opinions. Experts call this contingent self-worth.

Basing your self-esteem on things beyond your control is a recipe for disaster because rather than seeing mistakes or criticism as opportunities to learn and grow, they instead threaten your entire self-worth. This is particularly dangerous since no one is perfect. We can’t all outperform each other, and are all bound to fail when trying something new. Considering this, you probably aren’t too surprised that research shows contingent self-esteem isn’t great for our mental health.

When the pride of people with unstable or contingent self-esteem feels threatened, they typically respond in one of two ways. They might feel worthless and opt to give up first rather than risk failing, or they’ll continue unquestioningly and double down to reaffirm their self-worth. Neither option is a very productive response to achieving a goal. Instead, when faced with failure, it’s better to take a step back and approach it from a different angle.

People also seem to sense when someone has contingent self-esteem because relationships with them don’t feel genuine. That’s because those relationships are usually a way for the person to strengthen their self-esteem rather than form a real connection. As a result, even when someone appears to have high self-esteem, people with contingent self-esteem are often viewed as unlikeable and unsupportive.

Similar to how having more self-esteem doesn’t equate to being more liked, higher self-esteem alone doesn’t make someone a better romantic partner or leader. Harvard Business Review states that,

“High self-esteem [alone] does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview.”

When considering contingent self-esteem as a sort of chicken-or-egg scenario, research finds that social acceptance boosts self-esteem, not the other way around. So, how do we create and sustain healthy levels of self-esteem?

By shifting our perspective and approach.

Find Balance By Shifting Perspective

How do we shift our self-esteem away from depending on outside influences? Two major tactics can help. One focuses on your actions, and the other is paying attention to your words, but both depend on your perspective. As a clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, Canada, Simon Sherry wrote in the Conversation,

“[T]ry to base self-esteem on doing better, not being better. Behaving in ways that align with our goals, and giving ourselves something to be proud of, will develop self-esteem that isn’t contingent on results or others’ opinions.”

I wrote a while back about the importance of developing positive relationships with our Future Selves, which falls along the same basic principle. When our self-esteem is contingent on others, it’s not just our self-esteem that can suffer but our sense of identity too.

So the first step would be to figure out what you like, what makes you feel proud of yourself, what do you want — and why? Do your best to focus on your effort rather than the results, and make sure your answers don’t revolve around the approval of anyone else. As you build a habit of becoming aware of your actions and intentions behind them, you’ll likely notice changes in your words, too.

Words are powerful, so the way we speak to ourselves matters, and how we frame our words is also important. A simple way to tell whether your inner monologue needs tweaking is by asking yourself whether you’d talk to a loved one the way you speak to yourself. If not, then you know it’s time to increase your self-compassion.

Our words reflect our perspectives, and tweaking them can make a big difference. For instance, research studying well-intentioned attempts to boost confidence in fifth graders (10 to 11 years olds) via complimenting their intelligence, such as telling a student they’re “smart,” found that doing so actually hindered the student’s academic performance rather than improving it.

The researchers found that the children tended to shift their perspectives away from learning and toward performance when praised for intelligence alone. They also became externally focused on grades rather than growing an internal desire to develop their knowledge. The researchers believe it may even lead children to consider intelligence a fixed trait — I actually belonged to this last category.

But, they discovered that reframing the compliments to focus on a person’s effort — which is within our control — rather than the results — which are often beyond our control — shifts what defines our self-worth. As Sherry wrote,

“Kids can’t control how smart they are, and they’ll never excel at every subject, so those things shouldn’t define their self-worth. The same goes for adults.”

Personal Perspective Shift

I’ve struggled with feeling intelligent, or “book smart,” my whole life. I excelled in socializing in school, but schoolwork was my nemesis — resulting in several teary breakdowns and feelings of failure and stupidity lasting well into adulthood — especially since good grades seemed effortless for my siblings.

My parents did a wonderful job helping me refocus and define my strengths and always reminded me of them when I felt inferior. Still, though, I lived most of my life comparing myself to others and believing that being considered “smart” just wasn’t in the cards for me. If I’m honest, my perspective on the issue didn’t begin to shift until just a few years ago when I started this newsletter and found a learning method that works best for me.

I guess my point is, perspective matters. Our self-worth should be just that, our self’s-worth — based on our effort, intentions, and actions — not how other people view us or external factors beyond our control.

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